Woman Feels Guilty Asking Ex-Husband for Child Support Payments
Translated & summarized from Haaretz by baba
A woman is struggling to get her ex-husband to consistently pay his share of their children's expenses, leading her to feel guilty about asking. The ex-husband, a teacher, frequently delays payments and offers excuses, often framing himself as overwhelmed with helping others. Advice columnist Amalia Shalom explains this dynamic as "countertransference," where his behavior makes her feel like an imposition. Shalom advises the woman to address both the outstanding payment and the pattern of behavior, including the lack of apology, in their next conversation.
The story in 5 lines · by baba
- A woman is experiencing difficulty receiving timely child support payments from her ex-husband.
- The ex-husband, a teacher, frequently delays payments and offers excuses about being busy helping others.
- The woman feels guilty and greedy for pursuing the agreed-upon financial contributions.
- Advice columnist Amalia Shalom identifies the dynamic as "countertransference."
- Shalom suggests the woman address the payment pattern and lack of apology directly.
A woman, writing to advice columnist Amalia Shalom, describes her ongoing struggle with her ex-husband over child support payments, referred to as 'half-shares.' The couple divorced amicably several years ago, agreeing to split certain child-related expenses equally. The ex-husband, a dedicated high school teacher, frequently delays or fails to pay his share, leading to accumulating debt for the woman. She recounts a previous instance where the debt reached 10,000 shekels, a significant amount for her. Recently, the issue resurfaced. While he eventually paid after reminders, he had neglected a previous deferred payment. His excuses for further delays included being busy with new students and assisting a student from a disadvantaged family. He later claimed he was sure he had made the payment but couldn't find proof, promising to resend it. Despite assurances, he failed to provide an update or an apology, leaving the woman feeling guilty and greedy for pursuing the money.
Shalom explains that the ex-husband's behavior, characterized by repeated unfulfilled promises without apology, is a genuine behavioral issue. She reassures the woman that her anger is legitimate, regardless of his generosity in other areas. Shalom introduces the concept of "countertransference," where one person's behavior unintentionally evokes specific feelings in another. In this case, the ex-husband's pattern of claiming to be overwhelmed with helping others serves to make the woman feel like she is bothering him with her legitimate request. This dynamic, rooted in psychological concepts developed by Sigmund Freud, can make the recipient feel apologetic or hesitant to press their claim.
Shalom advises the woman to address not only the outstanding amount but also the pattern of behavior during their next conversation. She suggests stating, "This is the second time this has happened, and I've noticed you haven't apologized at any point." The goal, Shalom emphasizes, is not to accuse but to present the facts clearly, making it harder for him to evade the issue by citing his busy schedule helping others and preventing her from feeling guilty for asking.
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