Rabbi Urges Parents to See Beyond Defiance in Challenging Youth
Translated & summarized from Behadrei Haredim by baba
Rabbi Menachem Ingber advised parents at the "Gadolnu" conference to look beyond their children's defiance and understand their hidden struggles. He used the metaphor of an "invisible cast" to describe unseen difficulties and shared stories illustrating the impact of parental support and past humiliation. Rabbi Ingber advocated for calm communication and empathy, emphasizing that maintaining connection is crucial for a child's eventual return to family values.
The story in 5 lines · by baba
- Rabbi Menachem Ingber urged parents to recognize unseen struggles in defiant youth at the "Gadolnu" conference.
- He described these internal difficulties as an "invisible cast" that parents must acknowledge.
- Experiences of humiliation can deeply affect children, while consistent belief fosters stability.
- Rabbi Ingber advised parents to use calm, empathetic listening as a tool for connection.
- Maintaining love and belonging is vital, even without agreeing with a child's choices.
Rabbi Menachem Ingber, speaking at the "Gadolnu" conference for parents of youth who have strayed from religious and educational frameworks, emphasized the importance of looking beyond outward defiance to understand the underlying, often invisible, struggles of children. He likened these internal difficulties to an "invisible cast," suggesting that while the pain is real, it is not always apparent.
Rabbi Ingber shared an anecdote about a father struggling with his son's disengagement, which led to daily shouting matches. The rabbi advised the father to imagine his son in a cast, unable to manage basic tasks independently. This perspective helped the father realize his son needed help, shifting his focus from frustration to understanding and support, and alleviating the need to find fault.
He highlighted how experiences of humiliation and hurt, such as a teacher mocking a student's aspiration to become a doctor, can have lasting effects, even if the individual achieves their goal. Conversely, he cited a story of a boy whose father's unwavering belief in his abilities provided him with long-term security and stability.
Rabbi Ingber explained that a child's departure from religious observance is not always due to intellectual disagreement but can stem from pain and confusion related to home or school experiences. He stressed that neither the child nor the parents are necessarily to blame. Even with a strong parental bond, children may hide their struggles due to shame, fear, or guilt.
The rabbi encouraged parents to examine their reactions, warning that immediate results from shouting can become a habit without exploring alternative approaches. He proposed a practical tool: calm, attentive conversations where parents listen without interruption and then reflect the child's words to ensure understanding. "When you understand, you are no longer an adversary," he stated, adding that maintaining love and a sense of belonging, even without agreeing with a child's choices, preserves family connection and opens the door for their return and growth.
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