Trauma Survivors Face Dilemma: Speak Out or Stay Silent?
Translated & summarized from Arutz Sheva by baba
Trauma therapist Dr. Mali Nir explains the "double wound" experienced by survivors, who need to process trauma but also wish to forget. She advises a compassionate "both/and" approach, allowing individuals to choose whether to speak or remain silent, and offers five principles for coping with traumatic memories.
The story in 6 lines · by baba
- Trauma survivors experience a "double wound": the need to speak and the desire to forget.
- Supportive individuals often struggle with how to approach survivors without causing distress.
- Therapist Dr. Mali Nir draws on personal experience of a terrorist attack.
- A flexible "both/and" approach allows for both talking and silence.
- Five principles are offered for coping with traumatic memories.
- Compassion and allowing survivors to choose their coping method are crucial.
Dr. Mali Nir, a trauma therapist and a victim of a past terrorist attack herself, addresses the complex emotional state of individuals who have experienced severe trauma, particularly in the wake of the October 7th events. She describes this as a "double wound," encompassing the need to process and validate traumatic experiences alongside the desire to forget and move on. This internal conflict is especially pronounced during periods of remembrance and holidays, leaving friends, family, and colleagues unsure how best to offer support.
Nir, who has specialized in treating trauma from terrorism and combat, draws on her personal experience. At 19, she was severely injured in a vehicular attack, undergoing extensive rehabilitation and still dealing with the physical and emotional repercussions. She observed that people around her often hesitated to ask about her well-being or how the attack affected her, fearing they might cause further distress. However, she found comfort in knowing people remembered and cared.
In her therapeutic work, Nir encounters the tension between the need to give meaning to incomprehensible events and the urge to distance oneself from the horror. She explains that individuals may need to talk, share their feelings, and receive validation, acting as a witness to their experience. Simultaneously, they might need to avoid the topic and attempt to return to normal life. Nir emphasizes that there is no need to choose between these opposing needs; it is permissible and important to talk and listen, but equally crucial to allow survivors the space not to speak about their trauma when they are not ready.
Conversations about everyday matters, she notes, are not a form of avoidance but can help restore a sense of normalcy. Research indicates that trauma recovery is highly individual, depending on personality, past experiences, support systems, and the nature of the trauma. Therefore, a flexible "both/and" approach is key, allowing for shifts between the desire to share and the need for silence or distraction.
Nir outlines five principles for coping with traumatic memories: finding an anchor in the present, accepting the "both/and" approach to speaking and silence, developing self-awareness to communicate needs, asking survivors what they need rather than guessing, and practicing compassion without judgment. She concludes that there is no single "right" way to cope, and the most important gift is the freedom to choose and to be present without judgment, even as those choices change.