Matchmaker Details Challenges in Haredi and National Religious Dating

Matchmaker Shaler discussed the complexities and challenges within the Haredi and National Religious dating and marriage scene in an interview. He began his career as a volunteer, offering names to established matchmakers, and later conducted his first professional match between a student from a prominent Lithuanian yeshiva and a woman from a National Religious background. Shaler now works across various communities, including Haredi, National Religious, divorced, widowed, and those entering second marriages.

Shaler recounted a personal experience where he was offered a potential match with a woman who had a significant cognitive difficulty that the matchmaker had not disclosed. He described the situation as "incredibly insulting" but felt obligated to stay for at least an hour to avoid offending her. He later stopped working with that matchmaker, assuming they were unaware of the woman's condition. The interviewer noted that matchmakers should be transparent about their knowledge, stating, "I don't know" when they haven't personally vetted a match.

He also addressed the issue of declining trust in matchmakers, referencing a Talmudic concept that likens a person to three partners: the matchmaker, the couple, and God, emphasizing the significant responsibility of the matchmaker. Shaler also spoke out against the notion that early marriages in the Haredi community are a form of "customer retention" to keep young people within the community. He argued that children raised in dysfunctional homes carry those issues throughout their lives and highlighted the stigma faced by men who start working later in life.

Shaler believes that fundamental traits like emotionality or light-mindedness remain constant, while behavior can change. He stressed that his goal is not to dictate marriage ages but to help people understand the true meaning of a match. He described his process as investigative, involving guided imagery and thorough questioning to anticipate potential surprises in a relationship. He also shared an instance where a couple broke up because their intellectual levels were mismatched, a situation he had foreseen early on.

Regarding the National Religious community, Shaler noted the presence of social groups like Ezra and Bnei Akiva, which foster friendships and emotional connections that he believes are crucial for preparing for life and marriage. He contrasted this with the Haredi community, suggesting that similar structured social activities could be beneficial. He uses questions about dietary kashrut levels as a way to gauge spiritual levels and understand foundational aspects of a potential match, acknowledging that while he strives to gather maximum information, the ultimate success depends on divine assistance.