Relationship Coach Explains How Certain Words Can End Early Connections
Translated & summarized from Arutz Sheva by baba
Relationship coach Moshe Sharon explained that words like "should," "must," and "have to" can end promising early romantic connections. He advises replacing demands with questions and expressing emotions clearly to build security. Sharon shared that genuine interest and consistent communication are key for men initiating relationships, while women should avoid dismissing partners for imperfect communication. His insights were presented at Project 252, a community for finding relationships in the religious sector.
The story in 5 lines · by baba
- Relationship coach Moshe Sharon warns that words like "should" and "must" can prematurely end early romantic connections.
- Sharon advocates for replacing demands with questions and expressing emotions clearly to foster security in relationships.
- He suggests men initiating relationships should provide a sense of security and show genuine interest.
- Women are advised not to quickly dismiss partners due to imperfect communication, as men's brevity can be a different style.
- Sharon's advice was shared during a lecture at Project 252, a community for singles in the religious sector.
Relationship coach Moshe Sharon, author of nine books, has identified specific words and communication patterns that can prematurely end promising romantic connections. He explained in a lecture at Project 252 that phrases like "you should," "you must," and "you have to," which imply an obligation from the other person, are particularly damaging. Sharon advocates for replacing demands with questions and differentiating between emotions and thoughts to foster security from the outset of a relationship.
Sharon shared an anecdote about a five-hour first date that ended abruptly when the woman said, "You know, you should escort me to the light rail." Although the man complied, the phrasing created a sense of obligation that closed him off, preventing a second date. According to Sharon, such situations are common and often stem from poor communication rather than incompatibility.
He elaborated on the principle of avoiding language that presumes the other person owes us something. Instead of saying "You need to do X," he suggests phrasing it as "I need you to do X," giving the other person a choice and increasing the likelihood of a willing and happy response. He also emphasized the power of asking questions, not just to inquire but to genuinely engage with the answer, likening the development of this skill to strengthening a muscle.
Sharon also addressed the confusion between feelings and thoughts, advising to express emotions directly, such as "I am sad" or "I am frustrated." When a statement following "I feel" is an interpretation rather than a pure emotion, it can lead to arguments. He proposed the E.P.R.T. model (Event, Perception, Response, Thought) for articulating experiences, suggesting that instead of accusing someone of disrespect for being late, one could describe waiting 45 minutes and the thought that their time was being disregarded, which led to feeling hurt.
For men initiating relationships, Sharon stressed the importance of providing a sense of security, suggesting they take initiative, show genuine interest in a woman's profile, maintain conversational flow, and avoid focusing solely on physical appearance. For women, he advised against prematurely dismissing potential partners due to imperfect communication, noting that men's brevity can be a different communication style rather than a flaw. The second part of his series will focus on Dr. John Gottman's approach to relationship communication.