Father Learns to Reconnect With Estranged Son Through Compassionate Listening
Translated & summarized from Kikar HaShabbat by baba
A father named Menachem reconnected with his estranged teenage son by shifting from a "correction reflex" to compassionate listening. He realized his own fear of failure was a barrier, drawing parallels to biblical figures and psychological concepts. By agreeing to a small shared activity, like going to the bakery, Menachem created an opening for his son to share his struggles, leading to a significant improvement in their relationship.
The story in 6 lines · by baba
- Father Menachem reconnected with his estranged son by practicing compassionate listening instead of trying to fix him.
- Menachem's fear of admitting failure was a major obstacle in his relationship with his son.
- Therapists Miller and Rollnick's concept of motivational interviewing highlights the normalcy of ambivalence in change.
- A small shared activity, like going to the bakery, facilitated the son's willingness to open up.
- The article uses biblical figures Noah and Abraham to illustrate different approaches to facing challenges.
- Therapist Yossi Avdo offers advice on acknowledging resistance and taking small steps toward change.
A father, identified as Menachem, sought therapy after his 17-year-old son, a yeshiva student, stopped sharing his life with him. The estrangement became apparent when the son stated, "You don't know what I'm going through at all." Menachem, a father of six and an insurance agent, admitted this was true. The article draws parallels to the biblical figure Noah, who built an ark but hesitated to enter until forced by the rising waters, suggesting a reluctance to face difficult truths. Therapists William Miller and Stephen Rollnick's concept of motivational interviewing is introduced, emphasizing that ambivalence about change is normal. The article critiques the common parental "correction reflex," where adults rush to fix problems, which can cause the individual to become defensive. Menachem's fear of admitting failure was a significant barrier to communication. The therapist suggested exploring the benefits of their silence, leading Menachem to realize his fear of hearing "you failed" was greater than the pain of not speaking. The article also references Ramban's interpretation of the rainbow as a symbol of peace, noting its reversed orientation and lack of a string, suggesting it points inward rather than outward. This insight helped Menachem recognize his tendency towards harsh self-criticism. The therapist then asked Menachem to write an unsent letter to his son, initially struggling to express his feelings. He eventually wrote, "I am a little afraid of you," but couldn't bring himself to say it directly. Instead, Menachem agreed to a small, shared activity: going to the bakery together on a Friday morning. During this outing, the son began to open up about his life, his studies, and the pressures he faced. Menachem listened without trying to 'fix' him, marking a significant step in their reconnection. The article concludes with advice from therapist Yossi Avdo on acknowledging the "no" side of change, taking small, manageable steps, and practicing self-compassion.