Why Love and Desire Can Split in a Relationship

A recent confession by Tomer Greenberg on the Israeli reality show "Marriage at First Sight" sparked discussion after he used the phrase "Madonna-whore complex" to describe why he struggles to feel sexual attraction to Likey. The article explains that this idea is an old psychoanalytic theory, first associated with Sigmund Freud about a century ago, and it describes the difficulty of combining deep affection, respect, and emotional intimacy with sexual desire for the same partner.

In Freud’s framing, some men can love without desire or desire without love. The theory splits women into two mental categories, a "Madonna," seen as pure, respectable, and worthy of love, and a "whore," seen as sexually exciting but not suitable as a life partner or mother. The problem arises when a real partner is unconsciously placed in the first category, because stronger love and admiration can coincide with weaker sexual interest.

The article says the issue is not limited to men. Contemporary therapists and researchers believe women can also separate the exciting partner from the safe, loving, stable one, creating a divide between emotional security and sexual arousal. There is no single agreed explanation, but psychoanalytic approaches point to childhood experience, while other experts emphasize cultural norms, especially Western traditions that portray women in two opposite roles, the pure family woman and the seductive sexual woman.

The piece adds that shame around sexuality can deepen the split, and that the resulting tension can hurt both partners. One may feel rejected or unloved, while the other feels guilt, frustration, and confusion. Because there is no official diagnosis or agreed criteria, the prevalence is unclear, but therapists say the love-desire gap is a common source of marital strain. The article concludes that the pattern is not fate, and that awareness, open conversation, and couples or sex therapy can help rebuild intimacy and reconnect love with desire.