Sex Therapist Explains Why Making Love Beats Just Having Sex

Sexual therapist Shelly Vered discusses common sexual difficulties such as low desire, erectile issues, pain during intercourse, and difficulty reaching orgasm, which many clients report in her clinic. She explains that these problems often stem not only from physical or relational issues but also from unrealistic performance expectations shaped by cultural scripts and pornography. These scripts emphasize sexual performance over emotional connection, leading to anxiety and reduced pleasure, a phenomenon known as spectatoring.

Vered highlights how sexual scripts, learned from media, social circles, and pornography, create narrow expectations of how sex "should" proceed, typically focusing on spontaneity, penetration, and orgasm as markers of success. This focus on performance often neglects genuine emotional connection, communication, and the natural variability of sexual experiences. She contrasts this with a script based on connection, which allows partners to express desires, set boundaries, and adapt to changing needs.

Drawing from her clinical experience and research, Vered stresses that "making love" is not a different kind of sex but a different approach to intimacy. It involves being present, attentive to each other's feelings, and communicating openly about what feels good or has changed. Couples who maintain closeness over time tend to be those who communicate well about their sexual needs and feelings rather than those who have the "best sex" by conventional standards.

Vered also warns about the impact of pornography, which can create unrealistic expectations focused on appearance, extreme reactions, and performance rather than emotional intimacy. She encourages shifting the focus from "How did I do?" to "How did you feel?" to foster deeper connection and satisfaction. Research supports that quality sexual communication correlates strongly with sexual and relationship satisfaction.

In summary, Vered advocates for a mindful, communicative, and emotionally connected approach to sexuality that prioritizes mutual pleasure and authenticity over performance metrics.