Psychologist Reveals How Lack of Appreciation Destroys Haredi Marriages and Homes

Mordechai Rot, a mental health therapist, addresses a common marital issue in the Haredi community where spouses fail to appreciate each other's efforts, leading to emotional distance and relationship breakdowns. He shares a letter from a woman married for over ten years who feels unappreciated despite working tirelessly as a full-time homemaker preparing meals and caring for children. Her husband works long hours but rarely expresses gratitude for her efforts, causing her deep emotional pain.

Rot explains the psychological trap known as the Fundamental Attribution Error, where spouses view each other's contributions as mere duties rather than acts of love, turning partners into automatic machines rather than human beings needing recognition. He highlights the importance of emotional "deposits" through compliments and appreciation to maintain a healthy relationship, warning that taking each other for granted leads to bitterness and alienation.

He challenges the common belief that roles such as breadwinning or homemaking are simply obligations, urging couples to express sincere gratitude for each other's sacrifices. Rot recounts how after encouraging the woman to genuinely thank her husband for his hard work, the husband emotionally responded with tears, feeling seen and valued for the first time in years. This emotional validation broke down his defenses and inspired reciprocal appreciation, improving their relationship.

Rot emphasizes that marriage is a sacred partnership requiring mutual recognition beyond rigid role expectations. He calls for couples to consciously acknowledge each other's efforts to prevent the erosion of their bond. The article concludes with a hopeful message for Shabbat, wishing readers to always recognize their partners' virtues rather than their shortcomings.