Orthodox Jewish Dating: Hotel Lobbies, No Food, and Phone Numbers Mean Marriage
In the Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) Jewish dating world, first dates often take place in the lobbies of upscale hotels, a practice designed to maintain public decorum and avoid any semblance of intimacy. Benzi Yusupov, 27, a former yeshiva student now serving in the IDF and working as a religious advisor on a film set, shared his experiences on the "Let's Talk About Dates" podcast. He explained that the hotel lobby setting provides a formal atmosphere where participants dress in their finest attire, creating a sense of respectability and distance, which is helpful for young men unaccustomed to interacting with women.
Unlike secular dating norms, these initial meetings typically involve only ordering water, as eating is avoided to maintain the formality of holiday or Sabbath attire. The financial burden of these dates, including drinks and taxi fares for the woman's return journey (as many yeshiva students do not drive), falls on the young man, often covered by parental funds specifically allocated for the dating period.
Communication during the early stages is indirect, with feedback passed through mothers and matchmakers, a process Yusupov described as creating "broken telephone" but also minimizing direct rejections. Direct phone number exchanges are rare until the fourth date or later, a significant step often seen as a precursor to engagement. Yusupov noted that this indirect communication can lead to anxiety while awaiting responses, though outright "ghosting" is uncommon due to the system's requirement for feedback.
Yusupov also highlighted the challenges arising from the strict separation between genders in Haredi society, which can leave young men unprepared for complex emotional situations. He recalled a date where the woman began crying over a family bereavement, leaving him unsure how to offer comfort, as such interactions were not part of his upbringing or yeshiva education. He believes that pre-date vetting, facilitated by matchmakers, is beneficial in identifying potential "deal breakers" early on, thus saving time and emotional energy.
