Therapist Explains Intimacy Challenges Beyond Communication Issues
Dr. Muli Grossman, a psychotherapist and intimacy counselor in Jerusalem, highlights that many couples seek therapy not for communication breakdowns, but for a disconnect in intimacy, often stemming from differing needs for closeness and space. He emphasizes that the problem arises when one partner views the other's lack of availability as a flaw to be 'fixed,' rather than understanding it as a natural difference in pace or capacity.
Grossman explains that constant pressure to be intimate can cause a partner feeling overwhelmed to withdraw further, creating a cycle of one partner pushing out of loneliness and the other retreating due to stress. He notes that the partner seeking closeness often experiences this as a lack of self-worth and significance, leading to anxiety when their partner is preoccupied.
He advises that both partners have work to do. The partner feeling distant needs to explore what is causing their overwhelm, while the partner seeking closeness must learn to manage their own pressure and build self-confidence independently. Grossman suggests that a period of no expectation for intimacy, focusing instead on friendship and conversation, can help alleviate the pressure and allow for reconnection.
Grossman also points out that differing desires can be natural, with some desires arising spontaneously and others requiring a conducive environment of calm and connection. Understanding these differences can reduce unnecessary guilt. He stresses that a healthy relationship involves each partner having their own fulfilling life outside the relationship, enabling them to connect from a place of choice rather than need.
Finally, Grossman advises seeking professional help when intimacy issues are linked to physical pain, medical conditions, medication side effects, or deep-seated past traumas that create a strong aversion to closeness. He recommends consulting specialists in intimacy who adhere to religious law, in consultation with rabbinic authorities when necessary, to ensure timely and appropriate intervention.
