Ten Commandments for Parents of Unmarried Adults Ahead of Holidays
As the Jewish holidays approach, many parents find themselves navigating complex dynamics with their unmarried adult children who return home. Avinoam Hersh, a coach with Project 252, offers ten guidelines for parents to foster a supportive environment rather than adding pressure.
Hersh advises parents to refrain from immediately questioning their adult children about their relationship status upon arrival, emphasizing the importance of allowing them to settle in and feel at home. He stresses the difference between parental concern and creating undue pressure, suggesting that parents manage their own anxieties. The guidelines also urge parents to see their children as whole individuals, beyond their marital status, acknowledging their careers, friendships, dreams, and other life aspects.
Comparisons to siblings, cousins, or friends who are married are strongly discouraged, as they can make the individual feel inadequate or behind schedule. Parents are also instructed to ask before offering potential partners, respecting a child's refusal without further persuasion. Similarly, intrusive questioning after dates is to be avoided, allowing the adult child to share details voluntarily.
Conversations should extend beyond relationships to encompass broader life interests, such as work, hobbies, travel, and aspirations. Parents are encouraged to shield their adult children from intrusive questions or comments from extended family members, intervening gently if necessary. The home should be a safe haven, free from the pressure of constant questioning, where the individual feels unconditionally loved and accepted as they are.
Hersh concludes by noting that the journey to finding a partner requires an environment where individuals feel loved, belonging, and secure in their present circumstances. Project 252, which supports singles in their path to relationships, emphasizes that significant support can begin at home, with parents respecting who their children are today.
