Psychologists Argue for Balancing Feelings of Grandeur and Humility

Psychologists Ari Kurgalansky and Sophia Moskalenko propose in their new book, "Feeling Big, Feeling Small: The Human Yearning for Significance and Wonder," that humans need to oscillate between feelings of "Bigness" and "Smallness" for a balanced life. Bigness encompasses ambition, achievement, and control, while Smallness relates to connection, awe, and perspective. Both states are essential, but modern life's emphasis on Bigness leads to a chronic deficit in Smallness, causing problems across various life domains.

Kurgalansky, 86, an Israeli-born research professor at the University of Maryland, and Moskalenko, 50, a psychology professor at the University of Latvia, explore how this dynamic influences creativity, mental health, and even radical movements. They argue that radical groups can exploit the need for Smallness by offering a sense of belonging and purpose, leading individuals to extreme situations. The authors invite readers to "release the swing that is frozen in one place and identify the inner play as the heartbeat of meaning."

The book also examines how this duality plays out in romantic relationships. Initial attraction stems from admiring a partner's qualities (Smallness) and receiving their admiration (Bigness). Over time, relationships can falter as familiarity reduces the sense of awe. Couples who engage in new experiences together or share individual growth tend to maintain higher satisfaction and passion, transitioning from the initial Smallness of infatuation to the stable Smallness of a secure connection.

In parenting, the researchers suggest that effective parenting involves a dynamic shift between Bigness and Smallness. Initially, parents are the center of a child's universe, embodying Bigness. As children grow, parents must learn to embrace Smallness by allowing independence and resilience, rather than over-protecting them from frustration and failure. This allows children to develop their own capabilities and fosters healthy psychological growth.

Traditional gender roles are also addressed, with men historically encouraged towards Bigness (control, resources) and women towards Smallness (emotional containment, nurturing). The authors advocate for greater flexibility, allowing both men and women to experience the full spectrum of Bigness and Smallness to foster more stable relationships and individual fulfillment. They suggest practical steps, like engaging in awe-inspiring experiences and questioning the need to always prove oneself, to help individuals find this balance.