War's Invisible Toll: Reservists' Families Face Deep Emotional Strain

The emotional and psychological toll of military reserve duty on Israeli families is profound and often overlooked, according to marital therapist Naama Ansbacher. While the public often measures the cost of war by absence and duration of service, Ansbacher highlights the "invisible price" paid by reservists and their families upon their return.

Ansbacher explains that the return of reservists is fraught with difficulty, as both the returning soldier and their family members have undergone changes. Children may fear forming new attachments to a father who is likely to leave again, and spouses may struggle to reconnect with a partner whose identity has been altered by their wartime experiences. She notes that the war has accelerated pre-existing societal shifts that have already challenged fundamental concepts of home and family.

She emphasizes that strengthening the family unit must become a national priority, arguing it is as crucial as national security. Ansbacher uses the concept of the "unwritten contract" in relationships to explain the disconnect. This contract, a deep reservoir of unspoken expectations, is often violated when individuals return from service with new perspectives on life, faith, and work, which may not align with the expectations of those who remained home. This can lead to a sense of alienation and even family breakdown.

The constant cycle of departure and return, often without adequate time for adjustment, exacerbates the problem. Ansbacher points out the stark contrast between the military's world of urgency and the home's need for patience and presence, creating a communication gap. Some reservists' wives have expressed a preference for their husbands not to return for short leaves, as each return disrupts the stability they have painstakingly rebuilt, leaving the returning soldier feeling unwelcome.

Children, too, struggle to reintegrate the reservist into their lives, sometimes communicating with the father solely through the mother due to fear of further separation. This erodes the fundamental need for belonging. Ansbacher believes that addressing these deep-seated emotional needs, belonging, love, esteem, stability, autonomy, and meaning, is crucial. She advocates for teaching relationship skills systematically in schools and the military, arguing that the societal and economic costs of family disintegration are immense, running into billions annually.