Therapist Shares Secret to Lasting Change Ahead of High Holidays
As the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, approaches, many individuals experience anxiety and frustration over their inability to enact meaningful personal change, according to therapist Mordechai Rot. He describes encountering a man overwhelmed by the holiday, lamenting his annual cycle of promising self-improvement during Rosh Hashanah prayers, only to revert to old habits by Sukkot.
Rot explains this phenomenon as the "all-or-nothing" thinking trap, where people set unrealistic, sweeping goals for transformation, akin to an untrained person attempting to lift 200 kilograms at the gym. This approach, he argues, overwhelms the psyche, leading to failure and self-recrimination. The brain's natural resistance to drastic change, perceived as a threat, further hinders progress.
Instead, Rot advocates for the "small wins" strategy, emphasizing gradual, consistent steps. He uses the analogy of Rabbi Akiva observing water droplets persistently eroding a stone. He advises focusing on one small, achievable action daily, such as offering a sincere compliment to one's spouse. This "tiny, consistent step" bypasses the ego's resistance and builds self-efficacy.
The therapist recounts a success story of a man who adopted this practice, complimenting his wife daily. This seemingly minor act not only improved their marital dynamic, even de-escalating arguments, but also fostered a positive feedback loop of appreciation and affection, transforming their home environment.
Rot stresses that true change lies not in striving for an unattainable "perfection" but in consistent effort and incremental progress. He cites Rambam's "Guide for the Perplexed," which states that human nature does not change suddenly. Even divine commandments were introduced gradually. Rot encourages readers to release the pressure of perfection, embrace small, consistent actions, and believe in their capacity for gradual growth, viewing each small step as a valuable diamond in the eyes of God.
