Why Married People Need a Softer Gaze

The essay argues that a married person needs a different way of seeing than a single person, one less focused on flaws and more on the shared life of the couple. It opens with literary and rabbinic ideas about the purpose of having two eyes, one to see God’s greatness and one to see human smallness, and links that to the saying that a person should carry two notes, one saying, “And I am but dust and ashes,” and the other, “For my sake the world was created.”

The author says a person before marriage is not yet complete, citing the Talmudic idea that someone without a wife is without joy, blessing, and goodness. Drawing on an aggadic tradition about the first human being having two faces that were separated into Adam and Eve, he explains that after marriage a person needs an eye for “we” rather than only for “I.” The first human family is then used as the model for how the original unity was broken.

The article turns to Genesis and the eating from the Tree of Knowledge, noting the verse that says, “the eyes of both of them were opened.” Rabbi Simcha Bunim of Peshischa is quoted as saying this means they suddenly saw that they were two separate beings with different interests and opinions. The writer adds that knowledge can produce ego and disagreement, not just insight. He also cites Maimonides, who wondered why the verse describes an apparent improvement after the sin.

From there, the essay argues that it is not always good to see everything clearly. Not every small stain on a wall requires renovation, not every slip of the tongue requires an inquiry, and not every annoying habit of a spouse deserves an indictment. Newly married couples, he says, need a kind of temporary nearsightedness that blurs trivial matters, what psychologists call a “benevolent gaze” and Judaism calls a good eye. He ends by quoting Proverbs, “He who has a good eye will be blessed,” and says a good view of others brings a good view back.