Why Prayer Should Return to the Dating Conversation

In a personal column, Avinoam Harsh argues that the singles community has become so focused on coaching, workshops, and relationship courses that it may have sidelined prayer. He says the issue came up this week in a conversation with an impressive, educated single woman in her 40s, who told him that years ago one of the “great sages of the generation” advised her, “You should pray more.” Rather than taking offense, she chose to reflect on what message might be behind the remark.

She noted the Talmudic idea that someone who prays for others is answered first, but realized she had spent years praying for other singles and almost never for herself. She then asked whether the religious sector, preoccupied with courses and attractive offers from coaches who married young, has simply abandoned prayer as a real option for singles.

Harsh says her question resonated with him. He writes that he has seen countless courses, Zoom sessions, and other tools for dating and personal development, but cannot recall recent invitations to simply gather and finish a book of Psalms, without psychological deep dives or sales pitches. He stresses that he is not נגד therapy, and says he strongly supports psychologists, counselors, and coaches for singles, married people, young and old alike.

Still, he argues that the pressure to treat singles as “defective” is a harmful mindset. After reviewing hundreds of business cards in the last two months, he says he repeatedly found women aged 38 and up who were educated, polished, and self-aware, yet still unmarried. He says he does not know why some of them remain single while others without similar guidance marry, but that the answer is not to reject counseling. Rather, he says, people should combine effort with prayer, tears, and trust in “siyata diShmaya,” just as in education one can control effort but not outcomes. He suggests that instead of speed-dating, communities might hold evenings of Psalms, even if they do not guarantee a match. Harsh closes by noting that he is part of Project 252, which emphasizes the balance between human effort and spiritual surrender.