“He Isn’t Man Enough for Me” | She Was Fed Up With Every Guy, Until the Incident That Won Her Over

“During the dates, they would talk to her about their years in yeshiva, the study partnerships, the trips with friends in the Galilee and the Golan. The adventures they had as yeshiva boys repeated themselves like a broken telephone, and they sounded petty and meaningless to her.” | A seminary graduate shares her shidduch story (relationships) A yeshiva student meets a seminary graduate, illustration (Photo: B"M)

Ayelet once again found herself returning from a date with the feeling that “this isn’t it.” After more than twenty dates with ten different men, she was already physically and emotionally exhausted. More or less all of them shared the same flaw in her eyes, and she began to think that maybe her family and friends were right, the real problem was her.

One thing she had no doubt about: she wanted a real ben Torah, someone who would sit and learn all day in kollel, no matter how turbulent the winds in the country were. But the more dates she went on, the more she discovered that those boys who were considered outstanding in yeshiva academically had no understanding or appreciation for the outside world, to a degree that truly disturbed her peace of mind.

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As yeshiva boys for whom Torah is their craft, they spent their best years within the walls of the yeshiva, supported mainly by their parents’ pocket money. In shidduchim, they entered knowing that the other side would put a particularly fat check on their heads, one that would set them up for at least the next few years. It seemed they did not even know the concept of “money,” or how hard one has to work to get it.

During the dates, they would talk to her about their years in yeshiva, the study partnerships, the trips with friends in the Galilee and the Golan. The adventures they had as yeshiva boys repeated themselves like a broken telephone, and they sounded petty and meaningless to her. While a boy innocently told her about the wonders of yeshiva, she would think to herself: Have you ever faced a real challenge in life? Have you ever had to study for the psychometric exam for months, sit through dozens of job interviews, hear rejection again and again, and keep going?

The nagging thoughts would not leave her, and she simply could not say yes to anyone.

“I want a man,” she told a good friend plainly. “Everyone I met felt like he was five years younger than me.”

“So meet older guys,” the friend suggested.

And she tried. Many of the older men were already doing odd jobs here and there, but Ayelet still felt a huge gap on the dates, one that could not be bridged. The repeated story, again and again, had completely worn her out.

• • •

Nachum’s résumé immediately stood out to her from the sea of other suggestions raised by the matchmakers. He was her age, studied in an important yeshiva, and also dealt in car trading on the side. From the descriptions, it seemed that Nachum excelled at everything he did, unlike the usual separation between sacred and secular. He was considered one of the top students in the yeshiva, “both a Sinai and an uprooter of mountains,” as a close friend testified.

He was also very successful in cars, especially for someone with no experience in the field. He had a highly developed business instinct that could replace years of university study. Ayelet felt that this combination of Torah together with maturity and an understanding of life was exactly what she was looking for. She did not hesitate long before saying yes.

A few days later they met. In the first minutes of the conversation, to Ayelet’s relief, it became clear that he was exactly what she had imagined, sharp-minded, witty, and with a strong grasp of worldly matters.

There was one particular moment that especially won her over, when the taxi driver on the way back from the date quoted a completely inflated fare, relying on the cynical assumption that Nachum would not argue in front of her eyes. She expected that, as in many other cases, Nachum would hand over the money with a grim face, but he did not stay silent.

“Be ashamed of yourself, exploiting guys like this on dates,” he snapped at the driver. It was hard to tell who was more surprised, she or the driver, who muttered something inappropriate under his mustache in response. In the end, they settled on a sum slightly lower than the original one.

When Ayelet went up to her home, she reflected on the fact that many girls would have rejected the small scene, which she saw as courage and firm resistance to cheap extortion.

“I want to continue,” she told her parents as soon as she entered the house.

• • •

A few weeks later they were already an engaged and happy couple. Nachum did not pay much attention to the accepted rules and often called her during the week, which she thought was perfectly fine. The dates, however, were another story.

At some point, she noticed that he had begun to feel comfortable answering work-related calls even when they were together. He explained that these were urgent matters, and she accepted that. The urgent matters kept increasing.

It was not only the number of calls, but also their content. In the way he dealt with clients, garage workers, and other dealers, she noticed the streetwise tone that had entered his speech and become a habit.

“This is exactly what you wanted, someone not naive who knows how to stand up to the world,” she tried to convince herself, but somehow the excuse sounded rather hollow.

Their dates were still full of beautiful moments that she enjoyed very much, but the difficult feeling hovered over them like a black cloud. Had she made a mistake?

On their last date before the wedding, he took her to the Sea of Galilee. They spread out a blanket and sat on the shore, watching the waves. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a guitar and filled the air with pleasant sounds, sounds of a chuppah.

As she watched him play, a feeling of calm washed over her. Suddenly everything looked perfect to her, all the worries and fears evaporated in those moments of silence, without phones and annoying calls.

• • •

On the way home from the date, late at night, he suddenly turned to her.

“I need to confess something,” he said.

Now he was going to apologize, explain himself, Ayelet thought encouragingly.

“What about?” she asked.

“I wasn’t completely honest,” he replied, and immediately added, “about my plans going forward.”

Over the next few minutes she learned that he no longer felt so connected to Torah for quite some time.

“I really love and respect Torah learners, I realized it just isn’t for me,” he explained to her. “I really love the profession I’m in, and I think I’m good at it. That’s my destiny.”

“And you couldn’t tell me all this during the dates?” Ayelet responded immediately, instinctively angry.

“I thought you would understand me,” was his reply.

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The recognition of the new reality slowly sank into her mind, and she fell silent. All the way he kept trying to explain, persuade, and draw her out. Ayelet did not say a word until they got home.