Why Passion Can Mislead Us in Choosing a Partner

The article explains why intense attraction at the start of a relationship can feel like love, yet still point to incompatibility. It describes the rush of chemistry, nonstop messages, late-night conversations and the sense of finally being seen, but warns that this emotional high is not proof of a good match.

According to the piece, people often seek not only happiness in love but also a familiar emotional pattern from their past. Unconsciously, they may be drawn to partners who recreate old wounds, especially if they grew up with emotionally immature, narcissistic, aggressive or unpredictable parents. In those cases, a new partner can trigger old defenses, such as pleasing, suppressing anger, chasing scraps of affection or trying to win approval that was missing in childhood.

The article says this dynamic can make pain feel pleasurable through a psychological mechanism described as perversion in psychoanalytic terms, where humiliation, submission or control become eroticized. It notes that people may try to rewrite earlier stories by turning an unavailable mother figure into a warm partner, or a narcissistic father figure into someone vulnerable and tender. The result is a powerful illusion that the partner will heal what was broken.

The author argues that compatibility is different from passion and depends on shared values, trust, emotional safety and the ability to talk, fight and repair the relationship. Passion can cause people to move too fast, confuse chemistry with intimacy, ignore warning signs and drop their standards. Citing Carl Jung, the article says people often project missing parts of themselves onto a partner, mistaking the other person for someone who will complete them. As the initial intensity fades, the text advises slowing down, regulating emotions and letting time reveal whether a stable relationship can really be built.