Why I Stopped Choosing Men My Family Would Approve Of

The author says a recent episode of "Married at First Sight" jolted her into rethinking a long-held dating habit. Hearing experts describe one match as someone a woman would "love to bring to her family" and who would "love her family," she realized that had long been her own default test for a partner.

She describes how, before marriage and during later dating, she would mentally run every man through a family audit, imagining him at barbecues, at family dinners, and under the judgment of siblings and in-laws. Over time, she came to see that this mindset was wrong, because she was the one dating him, waking up next to him, and, if the relationship worked, living with him, not her mother, sister-in-law, or brother.

The piece broadens the point beyond family approval to friends as well. She asks whether a man will entertain the group, impress them, or fit neatly into their social circle, and notes the awkwardness of bringing someone to a friends’ gathering who cannot follow the conversation or starts arguing about veganism over an entrecote. But, she argues, liking by those around you should be a bonus, not the main criterion.

In her view, treating partner selection like a collective project turns dating into something that pleases everyone except the woman herself. She concludes that the real questions are simpler, whether she feels good beside him, smiles more, looks forward to his messages, and can be herself without effort. The goal, she says, is not someone who shines at Friday dinner, but someone who shines in your life.